4/21/10 Asking the question....

I am in the throne room. I wait. I am very aware of the awesomeness of Him... and the question weighs heavy upon me. I wait, and wait. I am certain He knows my question, and yet He doesn't answer. Nor does He look upon me with condemnation; just love and patience. Waiting for me to ask...and as I wait, I go through many emotions. I came in with pride, arrogance, and fear. As I wait, I start out feeling overwhelmingly awkward with the silence. Eventually I feel the pride and arrogance fizzle out. It is impossible to be prideful as you wait under the stare of the Maker of the universe. I then feel fear and insignificance. Fear that He doesn't care, or rejects me. Insignificant in His plan. Then the love emanating from the throne makes the fear run screaming, and I understand that He wants to know me. I then experience a holy and fierce desire to hear Him. Then simply peace and calm in His presence. It is GLORIOUS. It now seems silly and unnecessary to ask, but I do. "What do I do, Father?" What is your plan? What is my next step? Where do I go? Who do I be? What is my part in this world. Who do you plan for me? And my long anticipated answer: "Why do you want to know?" He shows me that spending this moment with Him is what He wants me to do. What I do, where I go, who I am, who will be mine; are so insignificant compared to being loved by Him, and loving Him in return. He asks if I just want Him to tell me what to do, and I don't. I want so much more, and so much less. I want to see what He sees when He looks at me. I want to FEEL His love for me. To experience His embrace. To fear His holiness. To know His heart. To spend time in His presence. To allow His love to penetrate all of my walls, identities, shields, and lies. Be Still. And Know.