3-8-09
I push and push when ppl are close to me. I judge, and have expectations. They are only due to my self-centeredness...God is opening my eyes to a lot of sin in my life. A lot of idols... FEAR galore. PRIDE PRIDE PRIDE PRIDE. It gets in the way of everything that is good.God offers me so much and I refuse it due to pride. How much pride comes from being hurt? Why does pain make room for pride? Hm...stuff it with pride rather than allowing God to place His heart within your pain? Is that how it works? If you don't "clean the cut"...it gets infected with pride. Wow. Praise you God for revealing that to me.
And pride wants nothing good to be allowed access to a person. It's like a beautiful celebrity that was hurt or threatened...security is heightened and allows no one access to the celebrity. The celebrity is sitting in her dressing room lonely and scared. When her best friend comes to visit and comfort...security won't let her in. We put security there to protect ourselves, but it ends up hurting us. Pride is my security blanket. The celebrity may or may not know her best friend is trying to get in. She may either feel like no one cares, she's all alone, she may know her friend is there but can't trust that she won't get hurt again, or she's afraid that something bad could happen to the friend... She may simply think that being alone is what she needs, when really she needs love. So in the dressing room...the celebrity is spiraling down into desperation. People on the outs are trying to help her, but security won't let anything or anyone in. Inside she is slowly dying...
God, I know you see me as a garden that needs to be tended. I have installed barbed wire fences around my garden, and hired the best security gaurds (pride). I cannot tend the garden, only you can, but I don't always let you in. Please convince me to take down the barbed wire fence and allow you to replace my gaurds.
When you recieve a wound and bandage it without cleaning it...it gets infected. I think that this emotional/spiritual infection is pride.
Teri,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for writing that. I hadnt realized it until you said it, but I think it's true. In my own life, if I'm struggling, I tend to withdraw and push people away. I see now that that's pride. Thanks for the insight.
I'll be pryaing for you sister. Keep posting :)